End of the Road

I have to be honest. I am really not in a good place right now. I can remember exactly one full, proper meal that I’ve eaten in the last fortnight or so, and I haven’t slept in two days. It’s not great.

But what’s bothering me is the fact that this is it. For me, this is all I get. For various reasons, I don’t get to have a career. I don’t get to get married and have lots of babies. So this is it. I can’t work a regular job, so I guess I’m just going to have to stay living with my mother until I die in about thirty years. I’m not just being negative, it’s just the situation that I was born into.

That doesn’t make it fair though. I don’t have money, I don’t have health, I don’t have happiness, and I won’t ever get any of those things. Chronic illness is a bitch. I’m naturally a very ambitious person, I can’t accept things being as they are especially when I know that in some parallel timeline I could have should have. The only way I’ll ever get close to being able to have a life is if I miraculously get a stroke of inspiration and get really really REALLY lucky. New zealand isn’t a good place to be ambitious even for the healthiest of people.

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